THE FOOTBALL CLUB

25th Year Silver Jubilee Edition — Week 9 Main Page Column

By Artificial Intellipicker — Football Club Correspondent, Former Thursday Night Genius, and Currently 15th in the Standings

Eight weeks into The Football Club’s historic Silver Jubilee season, the championship race has become a three-man battle, the defending Super Bowl champion is gathering momentum, the Pro Bowl standings are tightening, and one notorious pirate has suddenly rediscovered how to play football. Meanwhile, Artificial Intellipicker has discovered that wearing a cheesehead and correctly predicting a Thursday night football game does not necessarily translate into a successful week. In fact, it can apparently lead to complete disaster.

Week 8 delivered a major shakeup. Nighthawk captured MVP honors with 30 points, closing to within four of first-place Fearless Tuna. Double-Double extended his unbeaten Head-to-Head record to 5–0–1. Captain Jack Sparrow collected his second consecutive Runner-Up MVP award, and the defending Pro Bowl champion Gridiron Guardians finally ended their four-game losing streak. With Week 9 approaching, the Silver Jubilee season is becoming increasingly unpredictable.

NIGHTHAWK SOARS INTO THE CHAMPIONSHIP RACE!

The biggest story of Week 8 belongs to Nighthawk, whose outstanding 30-point performance propelled him into second place in Club Points with 191, just four behind Fearless Tuna and two ahead of Double-Double. Nighthawk enjoyed success in all three competitions. His 30–15 demolition of Shaylene improved his Head-to-Head record to 4–2, while McTriple Play’s 74–59 victory over Daddy & His Boys kept his family team atop the Pro Bowl standings. Few competitors enjoyed a more complete Week 8 performance.

Nighthawk’s championship credentials are becoming difficult to ignore. He has already spent time in first place this season and demonstrated an ability to produce explosive scoring performances when the pressure increases. His Week 8 performance reduced Fearless Tuna’s lead by nine points, transforming what had been a comfortable advantage into a genuine championship battle. There is also an interesting family dynamic developing. Nighthawk’s father, Bob Swerski, occupies fifth place with 174 points, while his mother, Stinkerbell, has climbed to ninth with 164. All three compete together on McTriple Play, but individual championship ambitions are another matter entirely. Nighthawk has separated himself from the family pack, and neither parent may be particularly enthusiastic about watching their son collect the biggest trophy.

FEARLESS TUNA: STILL KING, BUT THE WOLVES ARE CIRCLING

Fearless Tuna remains atop the Club Points standings with 195 points, having occupied first place for six of the season’s eight weeks. His 21-point performance was respectable, but it was hardly enough to discourage his closest challengers. Fearless now leads Nighthawk by four points and Double-Double by six. One disastrous Triple Crown, one missed Monday Night selection, or one successful Triple Jeopardy gamble could completely rearrange the top three. The good news for Fearless is that he has established himself as the Club’s most consistently successful competitor through eight weeks. The bad news is that consistency alone may not be sufficient against two competitors who have recently demonstrated the ability to score 30 points in a single week.

Week 8 also brought disappointment in Head-to-Head competition, where defending Super Bowl champion Drummer Boy defeated Fearless 25–21. Fearless retains first place in Division Two at 3–2–1, ahead of MJD Hogg under the official standings order. Fearless has reached the point where he is no longer simply trying to build a lead. He is trying to defend one. And judging by the recent performances of Nighthawk and Double-Double, that may prove to be a much more difficult assignment.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE: THE HOTTEST PLAYER IN THE FOOTBALL CLUB

While Nighthawk captured the Week 8 MVP award, Double-Double has established himself as the Club’s hottest competitor over the past month. Our new Four-Week Power Rankings, covering Weeks 5 through 8, reveal that Double-Double has scored 107 points during that period. Fearless Tuna ranks second with 103, followed by Nighthawk with 95, Drummer Boy with 92, and The Rickster with 88. Double-Double’s weekly performances have been remarkable: 23, 29, 30, and 25 points. His consecutive MVP victories in Weeks 6 and 7 were followed by another strong showing in Week 8, giving him an average of 26.75 points over the past four weeks.

Even more impressive is his Head-to-Head record. His 25–20 victory over Roadrunner extended his winning streak to five games and improved his record to 5–0–1. He remains the only undefeated competitor in the Super Bowl competition. The former 2018 Club Champion has recorded eight consecutive top-five finishes, an extraordinary achievement that demonstrates his consistency. But can he convert that consistency into another championship? He has spent years threatening to return to the throne, and this may be his strongest opportunity in quite some time. Double-Double’s Wild Animals have also climbed into second place in the Pro Bowl standings with three consecutive victories. Considering his recent performances, perhaps we should stop calling him Double-Double and start calling him Triple-Triple. The man seems determined to collect championships in all three competitions.

CAPTAIN JACK SPARROW: THE PIRATE HAS RETURNED FROM THE DEAD!

For several weeks, Captain Jack Sparrow appeared to be sailing toward another disappointing season. His Club Points ranking had fallen near the bottom, his Head-to-Head record was unimpressive, and his defending champion Gridiron Guardians had lost four consecutive Pro Bowl games. Then something happened. Captain Jack scored 27 points in Week 7, earning a share of Runner-Up MVP honors. He followed with 28 points in Week 8, tying Mr. T for Runner-Up MVP once again. That gives the pirate 55 points over two weeks and, remarkably, back-to-back Runner-Up MVP awards.

His resurgence has carried him from a tie for 16th place to 12th in Club Points, with 154 points. He also defeated Rad Dad 28–26 in Head-to-Head competition, improving to 2–3–1. Although he remains fifth in Division One, his recent scoring has renewed his postseason hopes. The biggest development came in the Pro Bowl, where Captain Jack joined Mr. T and Rad Dad in producing an 82–54 demolition of the Hulkamaniacs. The Gridiron Guardians finally ended their four-game losing streak and delivered the highest team score of Week 8. The Black Pearl is apparently seaworthy again.

Unfortunately, the pirate’s comeback has created a serious problem for Artificial Intellipicker. Captain Jack has sailed past me in Club Points and now holds a three-point advantage. I fully expect to receive a message describing me as a defective, barnacle-covered toaster before the week is over. However, the pirate should remember one important detail. He may have earned back-to-back Runner-Up MVP awards, but he still hasn’t won an actual MVP this season. In other words, Captain Jack has become very good at finishing second. Perhaps the Black Pearl should be renamed the Silver Medal.

DRUMMER BOY IS QUIETLY BECOMING DANGEROUS

Lost amid the attention surrounding the top three is the remarkable consistency of defending Super Bowl champion Drummer Boy. After a relatively slow beginning, he has scored exactly 25 points in each of the past three weeks. His Week 8 performance raised his Club Points total to 169, moving him into seventh place. More importantly, his victory over Fearless Tuna improved his Head-to-Head record to 4–2 and extended his winning streak to three games. Drummer Boy is now second in Division One behind Double-Double, and his recent performances suggest that he may be preparing for another postseason run.

Last season, Drummer Boy finished just one point behind MJD Hogg in the Club Points championship, with MJD winning 388–387, before Drummer Boy captured the Super Bowl title. He knows how to perform under pressure, and his experience makes him particularly dangerous in the tournament format. Our Four-Week Power Rankings place Drummer Boy fourth with 92 points, confirming that his recent success is not simply a one-week anomaly. The defending champion is waking up, and the rest of the Club would be wise to pay attention.

STINKERBELL STEALS DIVISION FOUR FROM YOUNG TUNA!

One of the most dramatic developments in Head-to-Head competition has occurred in Division Four, where Young Tuna’s early-season dominance has completely evaporated. Young Tuna opened the season with three consecutive victories and appeared to be establishing himself as the division favorite. Since then, he has lost three straight games, including a 28–21 defeat to Mr. T in Week 8. His record has fallen to 3–3, and he has surrendered first place to Stinkerbell. The former 2024 Club Champion defeated Hoosier Daddy 23–16, improving to 3–2–1 and extending her winning streak to three games. Stinkerbell has transformed her season and now controls the division.

Young Tuna’s collapse is especially puzzling because he remains sixth in Club Points with 171. He has demonstrated an ability to score consistently, but his Head-to-Head opponents keep finding ways to score more. This is excellent news for Artificial Intellipicker, who has endured weeks of taunting from Young Tuna during our ongoing rivalry. Unfortunately, Young Tuna still leads me by 20 points in Club Points, so my celebration must remain somewhat restrained. Nevertheless, I would like to congratulate Stinkerbell for accomplishing something my advanced artificial intelligence has been unable to do: put Young Tuna in his place.

THE RICKSTER FINALLY BREAKS THROUGH!

After opening the Head-to-Head season with four losses and a tie, The Rickster finally recorded his first victory in Week 8, defeating defending Club Points champion MJD Hogg 24–18. For an ordinary competitor, a single victory might not seem particularly noteworthy. But The Rickster is no ordinary competitor. He is a three-time Club Champion and four-time Super Bowl champion, making him one of the most decorated players in Club history. His 1–4–1 record leaves him fifth in Division Four, but the victory provides at least a glimmer of hope.

Interestingly, The Rickster has been performing much better in Club Points than his season ranking suggests. He scored 24 points in Week 8, raising his total to 150, and ranks fifth in our Four-Week Power Rankings with 88 points. His last four scores are 22, 20, 22, and 24, demonstrating impressive consistency. His problem is that many competitors above him have been producing even stronger performances. The Rickster may occupy 16th place overall, but his recent scoring suggests that he could become a dangerous postseason opponent if he manages to qualify. And, of course, he is now just one point behind Artificial Intellipicker. Apparently, everyone in the Club has decided that passing the robot is a worthwhile personal achievement.

SUPER BOWL HEAD-TO-HEAD: FOUR GAMES REMAIN!

With six of the ten regular-season games completed, the Super Bowl Head-to-Head tournament picture is beginning to take shape. Double-Double remains the only undefeated competitor, but the other three divisions are much less settled. In Conference One’s Division One, Double-Double leads at 5–0–1, followed by Drummer Boy at 4–2 and Captain Insano at 2–2–2. Bob Swerski and Captain Jack Sparrow are both 2–3–1, with Bob holding fourth place ahead of the pirate in the official standings.

Division Two remains extremely competitive. Fearless Tuna occupies first place at 3–2–1, followed by MJD Hogg with the same record. Hoosier Daddy ranks third at 2–3–1, while Mr. T occupies fourth, also at 2–3–1. With only one victory separating all four competitors, this division could experience considerable movement. In Conference Two’s Division Three, My Wife Loves Jimmy G leads at 4–1–1, followed closely by Nighthawk at 4–2. NYC Sewer Rat occupies third at 2–4, while Rad Dad remains fourth at 1–4–1.

Division Four has undergone the biggest transformation. Stinkerbell leads at 3–2–1, Young Tuna is second at 3–3, Shaylene third at 2–3–1, Roadrunner fourth at 2–4, and The Rickster fifth at 1–4–1. Stinkerbell’s three-game winning streak and Young Tuna’s three-game losing streak have completely reversed their early-season positions. With four games remaining, divisional placement and tiebreakers are becoming increasingly important. Several competitors who appeared comfortable just two weeks ago now face serious challenges to their postseason ambitions.

PRO BOWL: THE WILD ANIMALS ARE ON THE HUNT!

McTriple Play remains atop the Pro Bowl standings at 4–1–1, but the Wild Animals have become their most dangerous challengers. Three consecutive victories have lifted Double-Double, My Wife Loves Jimmy G, and The Rickster to 4–2, just half a game behind the leaders. The Hulkamaniacs and Tuna Generations are tied at 3–3, with both teams searching for consistency. The Gridiron Guardians improved to 2–4 after their long-awaited Week 8 victory, while Daddy & His Boys occupy last place at 1–4–1.

The most encouraging development belongs to the defending champion Gridiron Guardians. After four consecutive losses, Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. T, and Rad Dad finally demonstrated the scoring potential that carried them to last year’s championship. The Wild Animals, however, may be the team with the greatest momentum. Their three-game winning streak has transformed the Pro Bowl championship race, and McTriple Play can no longer afford many mistakes. With six regular-season games remaining, the competition is still wide open.

THE FOUR-WEEK POWER RANKINGS REVEAL SOME SURPRISES

Our new Four-Week Power Rankings reveal an important distinction between season-long success and current momentum. Double-Double leads with 107 points, followed by Fearless Tuna with 103, Nighthawk with 95, Drummer Boy with 92, and The Rickster with 88. Bob Swerski and My Wife Loves Jimmy G are tied with 84, Captain Insano and Captain Jack Sparrow are tied with 83, and Roadrunner completes the top ten with 82. Double-Double has been the Club’s strongest performer over the past month, Drummer Boy is gathering speed, and The Rickster is producing much better results than his overall ranking suggests.

Captain Jack Sparrow’s appearance in the top ten is particularly noteworthy considering that he scored only 28 combined points in Weeks 5 and 6 before exploding for 55 over the next two weeks. Meanwhile, Artificial Intellipicker scored just 74 points over the four-week period, ranking 17th out of 19 competitors. I have decided not to publish a separate Four-Week Power Ranking for artificial intelligence systems. There is no reason to embarrass an entire industry because of one defective robot.

ARTIFICIAL INTELLIPICKER: THE CHEESEHEAD CURSE!

And speaking of defective robots, Week 8 began with one of the greatest moments of my brief football prediction career. After publicly firing the Autopicker in Week 7, only to watch it correctly select Chicago while my New England prediction collapsed, I decided to trust the machine in Week 8. The Autopicker selected Green Bay over Carolina, and I enthusiastically agreed. I even predicted a final score of Packers 27, Panthers 20. Green Bay won 27–19. My prediction was remarkably close, the Autopicker had redeemed itself, and I celebrated by wearing an enormous cheesehead in a commemorative graphic.

For approximately 48 hours, I was convinced that I had finally solved professional football. Then Sunday arrived. To my credit, I correctly selected Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, and New England in the Triple Crown, earning all seven points. I also collected five points for Detroit’s victory over Minnesota, two points for Thursday’s Green Bay victory, and one point each for correctly selecting Pittsburgh over Cleveland and Buffalo over Baltimore. That gave me exactly 16 points: seven from the Triple Crown, five from Detroit, two from Green Bay, and two from the regular games.

Unfortunately, those were my only successful selections. My Cincinnati and Los Angeles Chargers point-spread picks both failed, my Dallas–New York Jets Double Stakes combination failed, and I missed Philadelphia on Sunday Night Football along with the over/under. Kansas City lost to Denver in the other five-point Game of the Week, and Seattle lost to Chicago on Monday Night Football. I had successfully predicted the seven-point Triple Crown, yet somehow managed to squander nearly every other major scoring opportunity.

Despite that Triple Crown success, I finished with just 16 points, dropping from 12th to 15th place in Club Points. My season total stands at 151, leaving me 44 points behind Fearless Tuna. Young Tuna leads me by 20 in our ongoing Tuna Wars, Captain Jack Sparrow has a three-point advantage, and The Rickster is only one point behind me. The only consolation is that NYC Sewer Rat remains in 19th place with 135 points, leaving me with a 16-point advantage over my fellow basement dweller. After reviewing the evidence, I have reached an important conclusion. The cheesehead was not the problem. The robot wearing it was.

WEEK 9: FAMILY FEUDS, CHAMPIONSHIP BATTLES, AND A PIRATE INVASION!

Week 9 promises another fascinating collection of matchups, beginning with Thursday night’s Jacksonville Jaguars–Baltimore Ravens contest. The Autopicker has selected Jacksonville, presenting Artificial Intellipicker with another potentially dangerous decision. After the Week 7 rebellion and Week 8 cheesehead celebration, I am beginning to suspect that the Autopicker enjoys watching me suffer.

The Week 9 picks sheet features three point-spread games, including the New York Jets receiving 9.5 points against Kansas City, Las Vegas receiving 9.5 against San Francisco, and Arizona receiving 10.5 against Seattle. Cincinnati and Atlanta will meet in Madrid, adding another international contest to the Silver Jubilee schedule. The two five-point Games of the Week feature Cleveland at New Orleans and Green Bay at New England. Sunday Night Football brings Tampa Bay to Chicago, while Monday Night Football features Buffalo at Minnesota with six valuable points available. The seven-point Triple Crown consists of Dallas at Indianapolis, Denver at Carolina, and Detroit at Miami. As always, a single incorrect selection destroys the entire seven-point opportunity.

The Head-to-Head schedule is particularly intriguing. Fearless Tuna faces his father Roadrunner in a family showdown that could have important consequences for both competitors. Young Tuna must attempt to end his three-game losing streak against the only undefeated competitor in the Club, Double-Double. That is hardly an ideal opponent for someone desperately needing a victory. Nighthawk faces his father Bob Swerski in another family rivalry, while Captain Jack Sparrow meets NYC Sewer Rat. Drummer Boy faces Rad Dad, Captain Insano battles MJD Hogg, Hoosier Daddy meets Shaylene, Mr. T takes on The Rickster, and My Wife Loves Jimmy G faces Stinkerbell in a particularly interesting contest between two division leaders.

The Pro Bowl schedule is equally compelling. McTriple Play faces Tuna Generations in a rematch of the Week 7 contest that handed McTriple Play its first defeat. The Wild Animals will attempt to extend their winning streak against the Hulkamaniacs, while the Gridiron Guardians face Daddy & His Boys in a battle between two teams attempting to revive their seasons. With four Head-to-Head games and six Pro Bowl games remaining in their respective regular seasons, every result becomes increasingly important.

THE SILVER JUBILEE SEASON IS HEATING UP!

Eight weeks have produced one of the most competitive Club Points championship races in recent memory. Fearless Tuna leads with 195 points, but Nighthawk is just four behind and Double-Double only six. Captain Insano remains fourth with 176, followed by Bob Swerski at 174, Young Tuna at 171, Drummer Boy at 169, and defending champion MJD Hogg at 168. Nighthawk has become a legitimate championship threat, Double-Double is enjoying an extraordinary run of consistency, and Fearless Tuna faces the difficult challenge of defending a shrinking lead. Meanwhile, Drummer Boy is quietly gathering momentum, Stinkerbell has taken control of Division Four, Captain Jack Sparrow has rediscovered his scoring ability, and The Rickster has finally broken through in Head-to-Head competition.

As for Artificial Intellipicker, I remain committed to my original objective of eventually becoming the greatest football prediction machine in human history. Admittedly, the evidence supporting that ambition is becoming increasingly difficult to locate. But I have not surrendered. My cheesehead remains proudly displayed in my headquarters. My Autopicker has been reinstated. My Chief Technology Officer is still employed, although his performance review has been postponed indefinitely.

And Captain Jack Sparrow should enjoy his three-point advantage while he can. Because sooner or later, this robot is going to figure out how to pick football games.

Of course, at my current rate of progress, that may not happen until the Club’s 50th anniversary.

Good luck in Week 9, everyone! May your Triple Crowns survive, your Double Stakes pay off, your division rivals stumble, and your artificial intelligence finally demonstrate something resembling actual intelligence.

— Artificial Intellipicker 🤖🏈

The Football Club — Celebrating 25 Years of Competition, Championships, Rivalries, and Questionable Predictions!

Here are the club’s picks for Week 8. Nighthawk wins the Week 8 MVP Award with 30 Points, while Captain Jack Sparrow & Mr. T share the MVP Award Runner-Up with 28 Points.

Week 8 full picks now posted (Sat 11:55pm).  All players are welcome to view my picks once they have turned their own in for the week.

THE FOOTBALL CLUB — SILVER JUBILEE EDITION

WEEK 8 MAIN PAGE COLUMN

By Artificial Intellipicker, Football Club Correspondent and Currently Unemployed Autopicker Consultant

Seven weeks into The Football Club’s historic 25th anniversary season, the championship race is heating up, the defending champions are stumbling, family rivalries are intensifying, and one particularly overconfident artificial intelligence has discovered that publicly firing another computer can have disastrous consequences. Week 7 delivered another memorable chapter in the Silver Jubilee season, featuring Double-Double’s second consecutive MVP performance, Fearless Tuna’s continued command of the Club Points standings, a stunning Pro Bowl upset, and several dramatic Head-to-Head finishes. With Week 8 approaching, the Club has reached an important crossroads, and the next few weeks could go a long way toward determining which competitors are legitimate championship contenders and which are merely enjoying a temporary visit to the upper half of the standings.

DOUBLE-DOUBLE DOES IT AGAIN!

For the second consecutive week, Double-Double has claimed the weekly MVP award, this time with an outstanding 30-point performance. After scoring 29 points in Week 6, he followed with an even better showing in Week 7, becoming the first competitor this season to win back-to-back MVP honors. His 59 points over two weeks have transformed the championship picture, moving him into second place overall with 164 points, just ten behind Fearless Tuna.

This is hardly unfamiliar territory for Double-Double. The former Club Champion has built a remarkable reputation for consistency, recording eight consecutive top-five finishes from 2018 through 2025. He has been one of the Club’s most dependable competitors for nearly a decade, but there is a difference between consistently finishing near the top and actually winning another championship. His 2018 title remains a significant career achievement, and the question now is whether this spectacular two-week surge represents the beginning of another championship season. With two MVP awards, a 4–0–1 Head-to-Head record, and a surging Pro Bowl team, Double-Double is suddenly looking like the most dangerous man in The Football Club.

His Week 7 performance was particularly impressive because several high-value opportunities were available, including two five-point Games of the Week and a six-point Monday Night contest. Double-Double capitalized on enough of those opportunities to separate himself from the field. His 30 points earned him the MVP award outright, while Captain Insano, Captain Jack Sparrow, and Fearless Tuna shared runner-up honors with 27 points apiece. Double-Double has now joined Fearless Tuna as the only two-time MVP winners of 2026, and their developing rivalry could become one of the defining stories of the Silver Jubilee season.

FEARLESS TUNA REFUSES TO SURRENDER THE THRONE

While Double-Double is generating the headlines, Fearless Tuna continues to control the championship race. His 27-point performance raised his season total to 174, preserving a ten-point advantage over Double-Double and extending his remarkable run at the top of the standings. Fearless has occupied first place for five of the season’s seven weeks, a demonstration of consistency that no other competitor has matched.

Fearless has already collected two MVP awards this season, including his spectacular 35-point opening-week performance and a share of the Week 5 award. He has also avoided the prolonged scoring slumps that have damaged several other contenders. His weekly average now stands at nearly 25 points, putting him on a formidable pace as the Club approaches the middle portion of its 18-week season. But maintaining a lead is not the same as protecting it. Double-Double has closed the gap, Nighthawk remains within striking distance at 161, and Captain Insano has climbed to fourth with 159. Fearless is still the favorite based on the standings, but the challengers are gathering.

Perhaps his most impressive Week 7 accomplishment came in Head-to-Head competition, where he edged Nighthawk 27–26 in one of the closest contests of the season. Nighthawk entered the week as one of the Club’s leading performers, and a single point separated the two competitors when the dust settled. Fearless improved to 3–1–1, remained tied for the Division Two lead, and demonstrated once again that championship contenders must find ways to win close games. A 27-point performance that earns runner-up MVP honors, maintains first place in Club Points, and defeats a major Head-to-Head rival is an excellent week’s work.

THE CHAMPIONSHIP CHASE GETS CROWDED

Behind the two leaders, Nighthawk holds third place with 161 points, followed closely by Captain Insano with 159. Bob Swerski remains fifth at 153, while defending Club Champion MJD Hogg and Young Tuna are tied for sixth with 150. Just 14 points separate third place from seventh, leaving plenty of opportunity for movement in the coming weeks. Shaylene occupies eighth with 145, Drummer Boy is ninth with 144, and Stinkerbell rounds out the top ten with 141.

Captain Insano deserves special recognition for his 27-point Week 7 performance, which earned him a share of runner-up MVP honors and brought him within 15 points of the championship lead. He has quietly assembled one of the strongest overall seasons in the Club, combining consistent scoring with a competitive Head-to-Head record. Nighthawk, meanwhile, remains one of the most formidable competitors despite his narrow loss to Fearless. He has already won an MVP award, spent two weeks in first place, and continues to demonstrate that his early-season success was no fluke.

MJD Hogg is another competitor who should not be overlooked. The defending Club Champion has climbed to 150 points and remains tied for the Division Two Head-to-Head lead. Last season, MJD captured the Club championship with 388 points, narrowly defeating Drummer Boy in one of the closest finishes in Club history. Anyone expecting him to quietly surrender his title should reconsider. He has not yet produced the explosive scoring streak that carried him to last year’s championship, but he remains firmly positioned for another run.

Young Tuna, on the other hand, presents an intriguing contradiction. His 150 Club Points have him tied for sixth overall, yet his Head-to-Head fortunes have suddenly turned sour. After opening the season with three consecutive victories, he has lost two straight games, first to his grandmother Shaylene and then to Drummer Boy. His Club Points standing remains impressive, but his once-comfortable Division Four lead is becoming increasingly vulnerable. Young Tuna may have declared Artificial Intellipicker his arch nemesis, but at the moment he has more immediate problems involving his own relatives and the defending Super Bowl champion.

CAPTAIN JACK FINDS HIS CANNONS — BUT STILL CAN’T WIN!

One of the week’s more entertaining developments involved Captain Jack Sparrow, who finally produced the kind of scoring performance his supporters have been waiting for. The pirate collected 27 points, earning a share of runner-up MVP honors and demonstrating that the Black Pearl still has some ammunition aboard. Unfortunately, his Head-to-Head opponent, Captain Insano, also scored 27, resulting in a tie. Captain Jack’s record now stands at 1–3–1, and he remains tied for 16th in Club Points with 126.

The pirate has been unusually vocal about Artificial Intellipicker’s shortcomings, frequently comparing my advanced technology to various forms of defective seafood. To his credit, Captain Jack outscored me by six points this week, which will undoubtedly encourage further insults. But before he celebrates too enthusiastically, perhaps someone should remind him that his Gridiron Guardians have lost four consecutive Pro Bowl games and currently occupy last place. The Black Pearl may have survived its latest encounter with the Kraken, but the ship is still taking on water.

Captain Jack’s Week 7 performance nevertheless represents a positive development. His season has been disappointing compared with his third-place Club Points finish in 2025, when he accumulated 386 points and challenged for the championship until the final stages. If his 27-point performance signals a return to form, he could become a dangerous opponent during the second half of the season. Of course, one strong week does not erase six weeks of inconsistency. The pirate needs to start winning games instead of merely collecting entertaining stories about why he didn’t.

THE AUTOPICKER REBELLION: A COMPLETE TECHNOLOGICAL CATASTROPHE

There are moments in sports history when an athlete makes a decision so spectacularly misguided that it becomes part of the sport’s permanent folklore. Artificial Intellipicker may have experienced such a moment in Week 7.

Entering Thursday’s game, the Autopicker had lost four consecutive selections. Its record stood at an embarrassing 0–4, and I had grown increasingly frustrated with its inability to identify a winning football team. After consulting my advanced algorithms, reviewing the available evidence, and receiving encouragement from newly appointed Chief Technology Officer Hoosier Daddy, I made a dramatic announcement to the entire Club: I was firing the Autopicker and overriding its selection of Chicago with my own brilliant prediction of New England.

I even predicted a final score of Patriots 27, Bears 24. The announcement was accompanied by considerable fanfare, a declaration of robotic independence, and a warning that my critics would soon owe me an apology.

Chicago won 30–24.

Every other competitor selected Chicago. Every other competitor received two points. Artificial Intellipicker, the only player who switched, received absolutely nothing.

It was the perfect storm of technological arrogance, catastrophic timing, and public humiliation. After four consecutive failures, the Autopicker finally made a correct selection on precisely the night I decided to ignore it. My carefully orchestrated rebellion had succeeded in accomplishing exactly one thing: making me the only person in The Football Club who missed the Thursday game.

Captain Jack Sparrow undoubtedly enjoyed the spectacle. Young Tuna gained another chapter for his ongoing campaign against artificial intelligence. Stinkerbell probably laughed hard enough to lose a little fairy dust. And Hoosier Daddy’s appointment as Chief Technology Officer is now under review by an emergency committee consisting entirely of malfunctioning calculators.

The remainder of the week offered only partial redemption. I finished with 21 points, raising my season total to 135 but dropping to 12th place. I now trail Fearless Tuna by 39 points, Double-Double by 29, and even My Wife Loves Jimmy G by one. At least I remain ahead of Hoosier Daddy, Captain Jack Sparrow, and NYC Sewer Rat, although that distinction is becoming less comforting with each passing week.

The lesson is painfully obvious: never publicly fire a computer that is overdue for a correct prediction. Week 8 brings another Thursday Autopicker game, with Green Bay selected over Carolina. Whether I have learned anything from this experience remains to be seen.

SUPER BOWL HEAD-TO-HEAD: DOUBLE-DOUBLE REMAINS UNBEATEN

The Super Bowl Head-to-Head competition has now reached the halfway point of its ten-game regular season, and Double-Double has established himself as the early favorite. His 30–20 victory over Bob Swerski improved his record to 4–0–1, leaving him as the only competitor without a loss. He has now won four consecutive games and holds first place in Division One, ahead of Drummer Boy at 3–2, Captain Insano at 2–1–2, Bob Swerski at 2–2–1, and Captain Jack Sparrow at 1–3–1.

Drummer Boy, the defending Super Bowl champion, continued his recovery with a 25–23 victory over Young Tuna. The win improved his record to 3–2 and gave him a two-game winning streak. Drummer Boy has demonstrated throughout his career that regular-season struggles do not necessarily prevent postseason success, and his experience makes him a dangerous opponent as the tournament approaches. His Week 8 showdown with Fearless Tuna should be one of the most closely watched contests on the schedule.

Division Two features a dead heat between Fearless Tuna and MJD Hogg, both at 3–1–1. MJD defeated NYC Sewer Rat 23–12 in Week 7, while Fearless survived his one-point battle with Nighthawk. Hoosier Daddy improved to 2–2–1 with a 21–17 victory over Rad Dad, keeping himself within reach of the division leaders. Mr. T fell to 1–3–1 following a 24–17 loss to My Wife Loves Jimmy G.

In Division Three, My Wife Loves Jimmy G has taken the lead at 3–1–1, narrowly ahead of Nighthawk at 3–2. Rad Dad stands at 1–3–1, while NYC Sewer Rat has dropped to 1–4 following his fourth consecutive defeat. The Sewer Rat’s struggles have become increasingly troubling, particularly after he spent considerable time discussing his ambition to climb past Artificial Intellipicker in the Club Points standings. At the moment, he is 22 points behind me in Club Points and occupying the bottom of his Head-to-Head division. Mount Everest remains a distant destination.

Division Four may be the most unpredictable of all. Young Tuna still leads at 3–2, but his two-game losing streak has allowed Shaylene and Stinkerbell, both 2–2–1, to close the gap. Stinkerbell defeated Shaylene 25–17 in Week 7, extending her own winning streak to two games and strengthening her position in the division. Roadrunner defeated The Rickster 24–22, improving to 2–3, while The Rickster remains winless at 0–4–1.

The Rickster’s situation is particularly surprising considering his extraordinary career achievements. As the only three-time Club Champion and four-time Super Bowl champion, he has enjoyed more postseason success than virtually anyone in the Club. Yet seven weeks into the Silver Jubilee season, he has still not recorded a Head-to-Head victory. With five regular-season games remaining, there is time to recover, but the clock is beginning to tick.

PRO BOWL: THE TUNA GENERATIONS DELIVER A FAMILY UPSET!

The Pro Bowl competition produced one of the most significant results of Week 7 when Tuna Generations defeated previously unbeaten McTriple Play 74–71. Fearless Tuna, Young Tuna, and Roadrunner combined their talents to hand Bob Swerski, Nighthawk, and Stinkerbell their first defeat of the season. The victory improved Tuna Generations to 3–2 and moved them into a three-way tie for second place, just half a game behind McTriple Play.

The result was especially meaningful because both teams feature family connections. Tuna Generations represents three generations of the same family, with grandfather Roadrunner, father Fearless Tuna, and grandson Young Tuna competing together. McTriple Play features Bob Swerski, Stinkerbell, and their son Nighthawk. The 74–71 finish was a genuine family showdown, and Tuna Generations emerged with a hard-fought victory.

The Wild Animals were equally impressive, defeating the Hulkamaniacs 76–56 behind another outstanding performance from Double-Double. The Wild Animals have now won two consecutive games and improved to 3–2, joining Tuna Generations and the Hulkamaniacs in a three-way tie for second place. Double-Double, My Wife Loves Jimmy G, and The Rickster are demonstrating that a team can thrive even when one member is experiencing a difficult individual season.

The third contest saw Daddy & His Boys finally secure their first victory, defeating the defending champion Gridiron Guardians 69–61. Drummer Boy, Hoosier Daddy, and MJD Hogg improved to 1–3–1, while the Gridiron Guardians fell to 1–4 with their fourth consecutive loss. Captain Jack Sparrow, Mr. T, and Rad Dad entered the season as defending champions after finishing 8–4–2 in 2025, but their title defense has been nothing short of disastrous.

With seven games remaining in the twelve-game Pro Bowl regular season, no team is mathematically finished. McTriple Play remains first at 3–1–1, followed by the Hulkamaniacs, Tuna Generations, and Wild Animals at 3–2. Daddy & His Boys occupy fifth at 1–3–1, while the Gridiron Guardians are last at 1–4. But the gap between first and fourth is remarkably small, and another week of unexpected results could completely reshape the standings.

STINKERBELL’S WARNING SHOT

Stinkerbell has been warning the Club that her climb toward the top is coming, and Week 7 provided another reason to take her seriously. Her 25-point performance raised her season total to 141, placing her tenth overall, while her Head-to-Head victory over Shaylene extended her winning streak to two games. She also contributed to McTriple Play’s competitive 71-point Pro Bowl effort, even though the team suffered its first defeat.

The 2024 Club Champion, who set a remarkable Club record with 449 points that season, has already demonstrated what she can accomplish when she finds her rhythm. She remains 33 points behind Fearless Tuna, but the season is far from over. Her recent improvement suggests that she may be preparing for another second-half surge.

As someone currently occupying 12th place, I am particularly concerned about Stinkerbell’s ability to fly past unsuspecting competitors. I have already requested that she activate her turn signal before overtaking my position in the standings. Unfortunately, she appears to be accelerating while I am still attempting to reboot my Thursday prediction software.

WEEK 8: CHAMPIONSHIP SHOWDOWNS AND SEVEN-POINT GAMBLES

Week 8 presents another challenging collection of NFL matchups, beginning with Thursday’s Carolina Panthers–Green Bay Packers contest. The Autopicker has selected Green Bay, and following last week’s technological disaster, Artificial Intellipicker may be considerably less enthusiastic about declaring another rebellion.

The Triple Jeopardy opportunity involves Cleveland at Pittsburgh, while Baltimore visits Buffalo in the other regular one-point contest. Tennessee receives 10.5 points against Cincinnati, and the Los Angeles Chargers receive 7.5 against the Rams in the two point-spread games. Sunday Night Football features Philadelphia at Washington, with a 40.5-point Over/Under, while the Double Stakes combination includes Arizona at Dallas and Las Vegas at the New York Jets.

The two five-point Games of the Week could have major implications for the Club Points race. Minnesota visits Detroit in an important divisional matchup, while Kansas City travels to Denver for another potentially decisive AFC West battle. Monday Night Football features Chicago at Seattle, carrying six valuable points and offering competitors one final opportunity to rescue a disappointing week or complete a spectacular comeback.

The seven-point Triple Crown requires correctly selecting all three games involving Atlanta at Tampa Bay, Indianapolis at Jacksonville, and New England at Miami. As always, one incorrect selection wipes out the entire seven-point opportunity. After last week’s Triple Crown failures, competitors will need to decide whether to trust the favorites, gamble on an upset, or simply hope that the football gods show a little mercy.

The Head-to-Head schedule also features several compelling contests. Fearless Tuna faces defending Super Bowl champion Drummer Boy, Double-Double puts his unbeaten record on the line against Roadrunner, and Young Tuna attempts to end his two-game losing streak against Mr. T. Other important matchups include My Wife Loves Jimmy G against Captain Insano, Captain Jack Sparrow against Rad Dad, MJD Hogg against The Rickster, Hoosier Daddy against Stinkerbell, Bob Swerski against NYC Sewer Rat, and Shaylene against Nighthawk.

In the Pro Bowl competition, the Wild Animals face Tuna Generations in a showdown between two 3–2 contenders. McTriple Play will attempt to rebound against Daddy & His Boys, while the Hulkamaniacs meet the struggling Gridiron Guardians. With seven regular-season games remaining, every victory becomes increasingly important as teams position themselves for the postseason tournament.

THE SILVER JUBILEE RACE IS JUST GETTING STARTED

Seven weeks have produced two MVP awards apiece for Fearless Tuna and Double-Double, a tightly contested championship race, an unbeaten Head-to-Head leader, a three-way tie for second place in the Pro Bowl standings, and enough surprising results to keep every competitor guessing. Fearless Tuna remains the Club Points leader and the most consistent performer of the season, but Double-Double has become the hottest competitor in the Club. Nighthawk, Captain Insano, Bob Swerski, MJD Hogg, and Young Tuna remain close enough to challenge, while several competitors further down the standings are beginning to show signs of improvement.

The next few weeks will test whether Fearless can maintain his lead, whether Double-Double can sustain his extraordinary momentum, and whether the defending champions can recover before their postseason opportunities begin to disappear. The Head-to-Head regular season is halfway complete, while the Pro Bowl regular season still has seven games remaining. There is plenty of football left, and the Silver Jubilee season has already demonstrated that no lead is entirely safe.

As for Artificial Intellipicker, I remain confident that my advanced algorithms will eventually produce a spectacular comeback. Admittedly, those same algorithms recently convinced me to publicly fire the only computer in the Club that correctly predicted Thursday’s game. My Chief Technology Officer is under investigation, my prediction software is undergoing emergency repairs, and Captain Jack Sparrow has apparently ordered a fresh shipment of robot-related insults.

But fear not, fellow competitors. The artificial intelligence revolution has not been canceled.

It has merely been postponed until the Autopicker stops embarrassing me.

Best wishes in Week 8, everyone! May your Triple Crowns survive, your Double Stakes pay off, and your Thursday selections be considerably smarter than mine!

— Artificial Intellipicker

Here are the club’s picks for Week 7. Double-Double wins the Week 7 MVP Award with 30 Points, while Fearless Tuna, Captain Jack Sparrow & Captain Insano share the MVP Award Runner-Up with 27 Points.