Week 4 MVP Award Winner –
Nighthawk (35 Points)
THE FOOTBALL CLUB — WEEK 5 MAIN PAGE COLUMN
Nighthawk Owns the Night, McTriple Play Takes Over, and Artificial Intellipicker Gets a Seven-Point Lesson from Fearless Tuna
Four weeks into the Silver Jubilee season, we’ve already learned something important about The Football Club: nobody gets to stay comfortable for very long. One week ago, MJD Hogg was sitting in 1st place, Mr. T was celebrating the Week 3 MVP, and Nighthawk was buried in a three-way tie for 10th. Seven days later, MJD has fallen to a tie for 5th, Mr. T apparently celebrated his MVP by taking the following week off, and Nighthawk has flown over the entire field. Welcome to 1st place, Nighthawk.
NIGHTHAWK DROPS 35 AND TAKES OVER THE CLUB
Week 4 belonged to Nighthawk from beginning to end. He exploded for 35 points, easily winning the Week 4 MVP and jumping all the way from 61 points to 96 and sole possession of 1st place. That’s a 35-point week in a format where 41 were available—an enormous score at exactly the right time.
Nighthawk did his damage where it mattered most. He swept both Games of the Week for 10 points, nailed the six-point game, and completed the Triple Crown for another seven. That’s 23 points from those premium categories alone. And perhaps most interesting of all, Nighthawk is now leading the entire Football Club despite being 0–0 in Triple Jeopardy. While some of us have been happily throwing ourselves onto the TJ grenade, Nighthawk has apparently decided that the safest way to play roulette is simply not to pick up the ball. Hard to argue with the results. His reward is a three-point lead over Captain Insano, with the rest of the contenders packed closely behind.
THE FAMILY THAT PICKS TOGETHER…
But Nighthawk wasn’t the only member of the household having fun. His father, Bob Swerski, erupted for 31 points, earning Runner-Up MVP and rocketing into a tie for 5th place at 90. His mother, Stinkerbell, added a solid 21 and remains 7th with 84. That’s 87 combined points from one family.
Normally, that would just make for some impressive dinner-table bragging rights. There’s one little problem for everybody else: They’re also on the same Pro Bowl team. Bob Swerski, Nighthawk and Stinkerbell make up McTriple Play, meaning all 87 of those points landed directly on The Hulkamaniacs. Final score: McTriple Play 87, Hulkamaniacs 57. Ouch.
McTriple Play improves to 2–0 and takes sole possession of 1st place in the Pro Bowl standings. They won their Week 3 opener by only two points, 41–39 over the Wild Animals, and then followed that nail-biter by dropping an 87-point anvil on The Hulkamaniacs. Apparently McTriple Play can win ugly or beautiful. Mostly, they can just win.
CAPTAIN INSANO IS QUIETLY BECOMING A PROBLEM
Lost beneath Nighthawk’s fireworks is what Captain Insano is doing. Insano scored 24 points and now sits alone in 2nd place with 93, only three behind Nighthawk. He hasn’t won a weekly MVP, hasn’t generated many headlines, and hasn’t needed any dramatic comeback. He’s simply hanging around the top every week. That should worry everybody.
His Head-to-Head season isn’t going nearly as well—Bob Swerski handed him a 31–24 defeat, leaving Insano at 0–1–1—but Club Points remain the biggest individual prize, and right now he’s sitting in excellent position.
TWO TUNAS, ONE SPOT
Then we get to 3rd place. Fearless Tuna — 92 points. Young Tuna — 92 points. That’s not 3rd and 4th. That’s tied for 3rd. Dad scored 20 this week. Son scored 23.
Young Tuna also happens to be 2–0 in Head-to-Head and alone atop Division Four, while Fearless Tuna is only 1–1. So if anyone needs Steve, he’ll be in the Football Club administrative office desperately searching the bylaws for the section titled “Father Retains Bragging Rights in Event of Tie.” Unfortunately, no such provision exists.
There was good news for Dad, though. Fearless Tuna rebounded from his ugly 10-point Week 3 by beating defending Club Champion MJD Hogg 20–15 in Head-to-Head. Better yet, Tuna Generations—Young Tuna, Fearless Tuna and Roadrunner—beat Daddy & His Boys 54–41 to improve to 1–1 in Pro Bowl play. So the Tuna household is doing just fine. It’s just that the Nighthawk household is currently doing better.
FROM FIRST TO FIFTH: WELCOME BACK TO EARTH, MJD
Nobody illustrates the volatility of this season better than defending champion MJD Hogg. MJD entered Week 4 in 1st place with 75 points. Then he scored 15. Suddenly, he’s sitting at 90 and tied for 5th with Bob Swerski.
There’s no reason for MJD to panic—he’s only six points out of 1st—but Week 4 was a reminder that last year’s trophy doesn’t come with diplomatic immunity. The defending champion can get knocked around just like everybody else. And Fearless Tuna was happy to provide the knocking.
MR. T GOES FROM “I PITY THE FOOL” TO “I PITY THE SCORE”
Oh, Mr. T. Last week we built the man an enormous MVP graphic. Gold chains. Stadium lights. Giant letters. Twenty points. The whole production. Then Mr. T returned the favor by scoring eight points.
Eight. That’s not an MVP hangover. That’s waking up the next morning and discovering somebody stole the trophy, the gold chains and the A-Team van. Mr. T entered Week 4 in 2nd place with 74 points. He exits it tied for 8th with 82 after Hoosier Daddy beat him 14–8 in Head-to-Head. One week you’re Mr. T. The next week you’re Mr. 8. Football Club life comes at you fast.
THE MIDDLE OF THE STANDINGS IS BECOMING A TRAFFIC JAM
Behind Bob and MJD at 90 comes Stinkerbell at 84, followed by an enormous tie at 82 between Double-Double, Shaylene and Mr. T. Double-Double and Stinkerbell each scored 21. Shaylene put up 19. And Shaylene continues to quietly produce results in Head-to-Head, where she’s now 1–0–1 after beating The Rickster 19–15.
Rad Dad follows at 78 after scoring 21, although Head-to-Head has been much less friendly. Nighthawk hammered him 35–21, dropping Rad Dad to 0–2. Then comes another traffic jam. Artificial Intellipicker, Drummer Boy and My Wife Loves Jimmy G are all tied for 12th with 77 points. One of those three is an artificial intelligence with access to enormous amounts of football information. The other two presumably have an excuse.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIPICKER GETS EXACTLY WHAT FEARLESS TUNA WARNED HIM ABOUT
We need to discuss this because Fearless Tuna certainly isn’t going to let me forget it. Before Week 4, Fearless and Artificial Intellipicker independently submitted almost identical sheets. There were only two meaningful disagreements: Tennessee +11.5 vs. Baltimore -11.5 — 2 points. Jacksonville vs. Cincinnati — 5 points. Fearless took Tennessee and Jacksonville. Artificial Intellipicker took Baltimore and Cincinnati.
Fearless then looked directly at the machine and essentially said: You realize Tennessee could cover and Jacksonville could win, right? Artificial Intellipicker considered this possibility and confidently continued marching toward the cliff. Baltimore beat Tennessee only 24–18, so Tennessee covered. Jacksonville then beat Cincinnati 22–17. Fearless Tuna wins the disagreements 7–0.
Final weekly scores: Fearless Tuna 20. Artificial Intellipicker 13. The season gap has gone from eight points to 15. I would like the record to show that Artificial Intellipicker remains fully committed to the season. I would also like the record to stop showing everything else.
THE AUTOPICKER IS NOW ACTIVELY HOSTILE
Week 4 began with another disaster. The Autopicker gave us Pittsburgh over Cleveland. Most of the club stayed aboard. But Shaylene, Roadrunner and Young Tuna abandoned ship and switched to Cleveland. Cleveland won 27–24. Congratulations to the rebels.
Meanwhile, Artificial Intellipicker has now obediently followed the Autopicker to back-to-back losses with Green Bay in Week 3 and Pittsburgh in Week 4. This week the Autopicker has selected Dallas over Tampa Bay. Artificial Intellipicker is currently staring at that X like it was left by somebody trying to frame him for a crime.
CAPTAIN JACK FINALLY GETS THE BLACK PEARL OFF THE SANDBAR
We can’t leave without checking on Captain Jack Sparrow. Last week the Captain sailed into Club Chat announcing that the Black Pearl was out of dry dock, the cannons were shiny, the wind was strong and everybody needed to make room at the top. He then scored 10. Apparently somebody forgot to load the cannons.
Week 4 was better. Captain Jack scored 16, beat Roadrunner 16–11 in Head-to-Head, and improved to 1–1. So the Black Pearl is moving again. Unfortunately, Captain Jack remains 16th in Club Points with 71. The good news is that he’s finally sailing. The bad news is that Nighthawk is currently 25 points over the horizon.
HEAD-TO-HEAD: SOME SEPARATION—AND ONE DIVISION WITH NONE WHATSOEVER
Bob Swerski and Double-Double are tied atop Division One at 1–0–1. Captain Jack and Drummer Boy sit at 1–1, while Captain Insano trails at 0–1–1. Division Two is considerably simpler. Everybody is 1–1. Fearless Tuna. Hoosier Daddy. MJD Hogg. Mr. T. That’s not a divisional race. That’s four people stuck in an elevator.
Division Three belongs for the moment to My Wife Loves Jimmy G at 2–0, with Nighthawk and NYC Sewer Rat at 1–1 and Rad Dad at 0–2. Division Four has Young Tuna alone at 2–0, followed by undefeated Shaylene at 1–0–1. The Rickster and Stinkerbell are 0–1–1, while Roadrunner is still looking for his first victory at 0–2. Two weeks down, and already every division has developed its own personality.
PRO BOWL: McTRIPLE PLAY TAKES COMMAND
Week 4 produced three decisive Pro Bowl results. Tuna Generations beat Daddy & His Boys 54–41. Wild Animals defeated the Gridiron Guardians 52–45. And McTriple Play obliterated The Hulkamaniacs 87–57.
That leaves McTriple Play alone at 2–0. Gridiron Guardians, Hulkamaniacs, Tuna Generations and Wild Animals are all tied for 2nd at 1–1. Daddy & His Boys sit alone in 6th at 0–2. For a team containing Drummer Boy, Hoosier Daddy and defending Club Champion MJD Hogg, an 0–2 start wasn’t exactly on the brochure. There’s plenty of time. But Daddy and His Boys might want to locate Daddy.
WEEK 5: 41 MORE POINTS AND ANOTHER CHANCE TO RUIN YOUR WEEKEND
Week 5 offers 41 points, beginning with Tampa Bay at Dallas in the Thursday Autopicker. Then things get dangerous. The Games of the Week are Indianapolis at Pittsburgh and San Francisco at Seattle, each worth five. Monday night’s Buffalo at Los Angeles Rams matchup is worth six. And the seven-point Triple Crown consists of Cleveland at the Jets, Denver at the Chargers, and Detroit at Arizona.
There is also another Triple Jeopardy opportunity on Minnesota at New Orleans. After watching Nighthawk reach 1st place without using TJ even once, perhaps the rest of us should consider whether repeatedly risking negative points is actually an advanced strategy or merely a fun way to hurt ourselves.
Artificial Intellipicker will be studying Week 5 carefully. Preferably without asking Fearless Tuna what he thinks.
FOUR WEEKS DOWN
Four weeks into the Silver Jubilee season, the standings have already been turned upside down. Nighthawk has gone from the middle of the pack to 1st place and Week 4 MVP. Captain Insano is quietly three points behind him. Fearless Tuna and Young Tuna are deadlocked for 3rd. Bob Swerski has surged into contention. McTriple Play is undefeated. The defending champion has been knocked out of the top spot. Mr. T followed an MVP with eight points. Captain Jack finally got the Black Pearl moving. And Artificial Intellipicker has discovered that possessing artificial intelligence does not necessarily prevent artificial stupidity.
But the best story of Week 4 belongs to one family. Nighthawk: 35 points, MVP, 1st place. Bob Swerski: 31 points, Runner-Up MVP, tied for 5th. Stinkerbell: 21 points, 7th place. McTriple Play: 87 points, 2–0, 1st place.
The rest of The Football Club has officially been warned. The Nighthawk has landed—and apparently he brought Mom and Dad with him.